DOE

CCSS Evangelists Find Common CURE for Special Needs

Cliffhanger

Thanks to Bill Gates, parents of children with special needs can finally have some peace. A new Common CURE, funded mostly by Gates, has removed all of the neurological and physical challenges qualifying children for Specially Designed Instruction. While most of Gates’ education experiments have failed in the past, the Common CURE promises to make all formerly diagnosed categories of special needs become nonexistent. The new CURE was first discovered by David Coleman and Gene Wilhoit. Excited about their discovery, and desperate for funding, Coleman and Wilhoit immediately pitched their plan, known as the Common CURE for all students, or better known as the “Common Core State Standards” (CCSS) to Bill Gates in the summer of 2008.

Faith Healer CCSS

 

At the time, Coleman and Wilhoit had no idea their breakthrough product would turn out to be a CURE for so many neurological and mental health diagnoses!  Children previously struggling to reach mere grade level expectations now suddenly excel in Advanced Placement Courses and continue to excel in both college and careers.  Until the Common CURE –  AP courses were often a dream, not a reality, for many students. Now that David Coleman not only has found a CURE, but is working for SAT and AP, the Common CURE is accessible, available, and affordable for ALL students.

laying-on-of-hands

All these years, neurologists have failed to see that all we needed to do was have rigorous standards, grit, high expectations, and “no excuses” for their special needs clients.  The Common CURE will make “disparate outcomes” a thing of the past.  Seattle Schools say special education is too expensive and a waste of time now that they have the Common Cure.

“The evidence is clear that disabilities do not cause disparate outcomes, but that the system itself perpetuates limitations in expectations and false belief systems about who children with disabilities can be and how much they can achieve in their lifetime.” – Governor’s Office of the Education Ombuds’ Report, WA State, (2014)

Society can now make a 180 degree turn for the first time in history.  Children and families formerly qualifying for Special Education no longer need to live with the stigma of needing special help.  Arne Duncan is reportedly preparing to direct Congress to repeal the American Disabilties Act and the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act. All we need is high expectations.  All we need is the Common CURE.

“We know that when students with disabilities are held to high expectations and have access to a robust curriculum, they excel,” Duncan said. (per NPR coverage)

Snake Oil

Arne is going to take Gates’ show on the road to promote the Common CURE. Skeptical about “miracale cures”, some parents want to run him out of town, however. When asked if he was worried about a class action lawsuit being filed agains them for false advertising, Duncan just shrugged his shoulders and said,

“…he is creating a $50 million technical-assistance center to help states comply with the new guidelines. States that fall short could lose federal funding earmarked for special education, which totals about $11.5 billion a year.” – NPR, (2014)

Secretary Duncan suggests Autism is a byproduct of teachers, disputing old beliefs that it was brought about by “refrigerator moms.” Duncan is relieved that language concerning Autism will be removed from the DSM-5, thus saving taxpayers billions of dollars.

**Satire alert…